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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?