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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.