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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.