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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.