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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"