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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!