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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman