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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!