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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.