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Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
I wish karma would send me email notifications.