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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....