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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.