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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.