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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......