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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
and alcohol are now friends.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.