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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Save water, shower together.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.