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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”