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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)