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Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."