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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
We think therefore we must be, but are we?