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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.