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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.