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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Does running out of money count as exercise?
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.