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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.