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I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I play hard to get along with.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.