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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Iām just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone