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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.