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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.