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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!