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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.