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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.