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What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.