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My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
You look like I need another drink
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?