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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.