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I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...