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New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.