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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.