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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Please do not read this.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?