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I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.