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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…