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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them