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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
I order all my food with extra gluten.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.