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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?