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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.