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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.