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Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.