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If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.