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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"