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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?