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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.