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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
“The darndest things.” -kids
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.