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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.