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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.