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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Do you really have to breath that much?