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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out