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How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.