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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.