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Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.