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can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional