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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.