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Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.