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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
why me is me ?
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?