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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."