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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
My mom says I`m special.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.