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Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."