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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.