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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I was born at a very early age.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.