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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"