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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.