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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
My mom says I`m special.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.