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You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.