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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty