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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.