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We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.