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Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.