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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.