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I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.