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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.