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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops