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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Running behind is my cardio.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.