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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.