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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.