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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
No pants are the best pants.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.