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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.