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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.