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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.