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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.