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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!