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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
Bad decisions make good stories.