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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.