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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.