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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)