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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.